Thursday was the first game for the BCEP basketball team. BCEP stands for Bard Center for Environmental Policy, but given the collection of talent that we’ve assembled this year maybe it should stand for Basketball Center for Extreme Pwnage.
Captaining the team is First Year Diana who recently rallied her small town in Indiana around their new head coach and led the team to the state championship. Also representing the first years were:
Brady, being from California, learned the game from John Wooden, unfortunately he never could master Wooden’s lessons on how to put socks on and thus that was as far as they got.
Taylor didn’t pick up a basketball until he was 18, when he suddenly grew 7 inches in one week, as a result he could no longer pursue his dream of being a Michael Cera impersonator, so he turned to basketball.
Jed gained notoriety amongst basketball purists by becoming the first player to play wearing a V necked shirt. When asked for comment he replied that the V necked shirt is the source of his powers to get wide open looks at the basket.
First years Nick, Sebastian, Stephanie, Catherine, and Vick all contributed to the mayhem, making this game the first in BCEP history to have a bench that exceeded the number of players on the court.
The second years were represented by Jamie W. who won Basketball player of the year in Ohio in 2001, she had to give the award back when it was discovered that she was shaving points to make the game more exciting. The award went to some dude named LeBron something or other; everyone
agrees that he’ll never be as good as Jamie.
Also representing the second years was Rachel. Rachel recently returned to the US from her internship in Haiti. While she was there she led the Haitian national team to gold in the Olympics, this was especially impressive because it’s not an Olympic year. Talent always trumps chronology.
Rounding out the second years is David. who Sports Illustrated once described as a “subscriber”, and added “he’s late on this month’s payment”.
Also on the team is Admissions czar Molly, who when she is not screening new applicants for someone who can play lock down D, is teaching Derek Rose the finer points of playing point guard.
Armed with such a dazzling array of talent it’s a surprise that the other team even showed up, especially since they were just the basketball team of a small D-III school in upstate NY. BCEP scored first with a devastating layup. The other team was so intimidated by BCEP’s dominance in the post that they spent the rest of the game launching three pointers, not daring to tread into what was clearly BCEP territory. In response Molly knocked down her own monster three pointer. Late in the second half the game was called on a mercy rule, and as both teams walked off the court it was clear that a game of basketball was played.
I’ll be keeping you updated on the rest of the exciting developments throughout the season, so stay tuned.